The burden of not being ambitious

Coming across as a "not so ambitious person" in this super competitive world kind of sucks. Sorry for the use of such language, perhaps for the first time on this blog, but, the reality is.. it does. 

What's the career path like? Is there one in the first place? Where do I want to see myself in 2 years time? I seriously have no answers for any of this. But, if you ask me, this is how I have been for as long as I remember. I simply don't think about these things, I don't have a clue in hell where I'm headed, I have made no plans what so ever to see where I want/ need to be. Don't ask me about 2 years, I wish I could tell you where I would be in 2 months time.

Oh! Let's put the whole career &  professional life aside and lets just talk about plain simple day to day life alright. 

Do I want a big house to live in? Do I want the best of everything? What about my vacation plans?  Have i gotta plan about how I am going to be the host to many a family? Have I thought of all this or aspired for it? Not sure is the answer. Really?  As unreal, as untrue as it may sound, I don't have these big plans made and filed away, all I have is the routine of day to day life and the joy of day turning into night. Taking it one day at a time is the mantra and I am the preacher of it.   Hmmm ....did I say the joy of day turning into night ? 

Well, I notice that I have been mocked directly or between the lines about being so boringly mundane about everything I do. I did have to spare a thought about it and hence this post.

I wondered and questioned whether I really am this uninterested, un ambitious person and the answer is that I perhaps am. But reading a quote somewhere helped put everything in black & white very clearly! I was like, bang on! How true is that , why on earth couldn't I think of it and put it this way? 

         " Inspired by the fear of being average" 

Yes! That is what it is! I knew there had to be something to get me out of bed every morning. 

 However, I see that this fear for me is in the everyday things... Cooking, cleaning, hosting family and friends home or if it's a presentation , the preparation for a meeting that I put in at work. I want to & strive towards getting all the little things I get my hands on 'Right' , as 'right' as I can make it.

Unfortunately, these small things just don't matter or are not considered as being Ambitious or having a drive of any kind. Never mind about the minute life things that make up your day, you don't shout out that you wanna reach the moon then that's it! You are not much of anything in the eyes of one too many.

 Well getting a bit too philosophical, isn't it? I'll stop with this and carry on being what I am and doing what I do, if not anywhere, I'll at least get to the next day and if not for anyone, I'll be happy and pleased with myself! 

... My two cents on this...a rather weird feeling I keep going through.

There's always a first time for everything

Sometimes, Only Sometimes I am in this state of mind where most things with respect to bitter-sweet life seems perfect. Hold on, I haven't got into the zen-mode yet, but in the past week or so I have noticed this calmness which I am so pleased and thankful about. I wanted to record this hoping that during those crazy turbulent times which by the way happens on the majority of the days in the year, I can read this note and remind myself that after every bad there will be good and after every storm, a calm. 

There is absolutely 'Nothing' happening in my life at the moment. The morning is taken over by mid-day and evening and night and it seems to be on a repeat mode without a shuffle. Well, I suppose you cannot shuffle night to day anyway. Things are 'Not' at it's best - work wise, personal life, plans in life and so on and so on. I have little or nothing to say about my previous day on my daily call to Amma. Days are rolling by at the speed of light and I dont seem to recollect what git me occupied in the past week. The uneventfulness of the situation is written all over and shouts a big 'absolutely nothing happened' to me when i try to remember the past weeks. Yet! There is a tranquility in me which is a rare rare thing. I always thought I just cannot sit quiet, stay calm, be at peace. I was convinced that I was born without the genes that makes one be that way. 

I am packing my days with little things that makes me happy and I am surprised to see these little things had never made it to my list of things that I enjoy. If I ever decide to spell them out, people would be sure that I have lost it and the signs I had shown before were true. Plain simple things are such joy and this has always been my takeaway from life. Who recollects a ponsy moment more than a down to earth one? Not me!

For the first time, I didn't panic for not having the flow to write. 3 weeks gone and not a word written didn't make me jump into writing for the sake of absence. I was perfectly at ease, I read many many blogs in this space of time and marvelled the way they were written. All the ones bookmarked are either simple personal blogs or food blogs. Some of them are amazing.....it's made me drop all the books I was reading trying to read. 

Looking forward to a good hindi movie is something I have done for ever. A couple of days after having watched the movie '2 states', the hubby brought it up all out of the blue in between a random conversation that the movie that we watched the past weekend was 'good'. His words ' I too had a lump in my throat in a couple of scenes ' just cracked it for me. I had a big grin...this was the moment when I could confirm that he is now a Hindi movie convert, from watching none at all to casually asking what's on the movies, to actually liking it and best of all looking forward to the next one. This is a huge success to the huge huge Bollywood buff in me.

Zumba! The latest thing that has gotten into me. Love the music, the dance, the attitude and most of all love the pain...you know the good sorta pain? That. I admit being a Miss.Two-Left-feet but have enjoyed these sessions immensely. I am also beginning to believe this is doing a better good to my body than just running which I am trying to sneak in at least 1-2 times a week. 

Beginning to care for the few pot plants that we have started to grow is another big surprise. I was sure that I must be some kind of an expert in killing plants, but these little ones have not only survived me for a couple of months, but are in full bloom. What joy!  Like I believed that the advert which said 'plants come to my home to die' was made just for me, beginning to believe I can change that. 

So...basically I am trying to collect Life's little moments and making it count. 4 days of leave now and for the first time again, I have plans...new ones, weird ones and it's all going to make this 'MeTime' completely worth it....Fingers Crossed.