Come Full Circle

I guess the long aimless walk is all I wanted to get me penning down a few lines which I have been itching to do in the past few days.  My eyes are still tired....for a fact, I have been staring at my laptop screen non-stop for a good part of the past week. 

I have to start this one with the quote I had read and favourited. Sometime ago, may be a year now,  was when I was feeling down. Nothing seemed to cheer me up, I could not have what I wanted and on most occasions I did not know what I needed. This feeling of 'low' stayed with me for a long long time. I had messed up way too many things, I was losing too many good friends - some for my own fault, some for the circumstances, some because they probably decided I was not good enough for them and some more for they got so busy and pre-occupied in their lives that they just forgot that someone like me existed. 

I had decided then that I am going to keep myself occupied with things...simple as it may be, silly as it may sound but I would have a list of things to do, things not to do and I would stick to that and get so drowned in it that I don't feel as low. 

I can't say I have been entirely successful at this- there are many many times when I miss my friends, miss the company, feel low, down and depressed but the feeling stays for a while and goes away and I go back to my list. The 'peaks' and 'troughs' exist in my life as much as the sun and the moon do, as much as summer and winter does. It's become a part of me. 

It's been a while now, at least a good year and I have had those 'ups' and 'downs' but now as this year closes down I am back at being slightly on the low but holding up just so I can wait for the peak to happen. 

As the year has gone passed there's one thing that I have noticed... I love to have company - be it in new people I meet, old friends, cousins, family, new friends -that is one of the key things I need in life to move on. But I have also realized that all this cannot be wished for as the other person needs to wish the same and as much as I yearn for that togetherness, I can't have it. 

I am learning to be 'ok' with my own company and there are times when I am so comfortable at it that it is worrying.... it's worrying me a lot. I don't want to be this way, but it's just turning out this way...

Just like how all this I have scribbled so far is not making sense, this thought of what I enjoy  - 'the being together' and what I am doing  - 'the being with myself' , the contradiction that it brings is making me go slightly insane.....but, I am positively waiting for the 'peak' again - this time it's been a while since it has met me. 

There is an END.

Firstly, for a few of you who thought this is the end of my blogging ability, you are wrong. This is not going to be my concluding post unless God would want it otherwise.

Life of Pi, by Yann Martel was a book I must say that was way too fictitious for my liking. The whole idea of a boy on a boat with a tiger and ending up on a island full of meercats was a little too out of scale for my imagination.  There however were many quotes in the book forming life lessons which kept me going. I knew there had to be a conclusion to it more human than fiction.
Well, this post is not about my review of the book or the movie which I think was beautifully shot. I find myself pretty insignificant in a writer's world to be able to put up reviews of another's work.

The sensitive me that I am at times got caught onto one such line - " I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye".

As I tread through the path that life brings upon me I reflect what I have left behind more often than where I am headed towards. Knowing very well that what's gone is gone, what's done is done and there should 'ideally' be no looking back. This makes me think that I perhaps don't have the 'letting go' factor in me unlike a few others who can do it with great ease.

Always part ways with a smile - something that you have always heard the elders say. Do they allow you to leave home with a tear? No. They want to see you smiling, they'd want to see you happy. That parting note when leaving home with hugs and smiles and laughter is what makes you look forward to the next time that you see and greet each other again. There is a happy note which says that you will get together again.

On the other hand, when you part with a person on an argument, on a unpleasant note something is left undone. It bothers you day in and day out. The end that should not have been did not happen in the right way. There is always this uneasiness that you did not depart by saying a bye, for wishing well, for taking the memories along.....to the person, to that relationship that meant so much to you...you did not Complete it.

Some things are not always in our hands, death can bring that parting...when you are not prepared, when you were not expecting it, it leaves a void that cannot be erased. I hate myself a little more every time I think about my grand dad who passed away. I moved out of home to a far away land to start my home, never did I think even once on that early morning when I was stepping into the car to drive away to the airport that I would not see him again, talk to him again. It took a phone call of 50bucks on a cold morning to hear that he is no more. I still don't know how to handle my emotions when I think about this.

At the end of the day, at every instant, with everyone around you, I always think that I haven't grown out of it, I have not moved away from the thought, but when you actually see it in the end the whole life indeed is an act of letting go....we all let go and when we think about that someone, that something it is nothing but a memory.
When the mother gives birth to her baby, she's letting go of the physical connection she had, when we leave our parents and go away to study, to work, we are letting go the pat of being bound to, our parents on the other hand are letting go of the fear, when two people get married and decide to spend the rest of their lives together they are letting go of all other priorities that they had in life, when death do us apart from a loved one, we let go... we carry on with our lives and stop to spare a thought.

I do think that I get stuck onto things, events, people a lot more than another person.....I would like to go back and shake a hand, say a hello, give a hug and re-start where I have left......but, along the path of life and towards the end of a path.........
We only think that we haven't let go.... but we all have...and will continue to do so.

Emotionally Bound

Relationships are so fragile. In this day when more often than not families are getting smaller, friends are getting farther and staying in touch is mainly on a social networking site, my heart still yearns for that contact, for the togetherness which is becoming such a rarity.

Many relationships don't stay, don't sustain the test of time. It is so easy in the current lifestyle to see the most simple way of not staying in touch - 'out of sight is out of mind'. It is quite saddening to see that 'we have moved on in our lives so much and there isn't a lot in common that one may have with that old friend. So caught up are we in the routine that it's too hard to remember that someone....it makes me remember what a relative of mine living in the US once told me, 'I always remember to call people in India, now that you live in the UK I forget it.' Probably shows how important I am to that person.

Circumstances takes the better of you. Not in the right place, at the right time, being drowned in work or just that phase of life when something else takes over our time and mind that there isn't a lot one can do about staying in touch and keeping the relationship.

Mis-understandings, perhaps the other beast to ruin the harmony. A relationship that's shared by two individuals can only be understood by those two people. Whether its that of a husband-wife, mother-daughter, two friends, two colleagues, teacher-student, uncle-niece, it's definitely not possible for a third person to know what the relationship holds. 

Sometimes, I can't help but show my worst side to the person I like the most. I'd do anything to know why I go through such mood swings or a low feeling (for the lack of a better word) that I bring it on on someone I shouldn't. This in particular does not help sustain a relationship....there is only so much the other individual can take.

Expectations are deadly. You expect a certain something when you meet that old friend after many years. That not going your way calls for alarm bells to say it ain't worth it. Pre conceived notions on what to say, what to hear can only lead to the feeling a bit more.

For someone who values relationships and would not want to lose people in my life...family, cousins, friends who I meet during the course of life the reality is far from it. 

Whether its due to circumstances or my own fault, I don't have all the people I'd love to have with me. I often think that I should forget it and let go and carry on, easier said than done. It's an emotional bonding...staying & holding onto it becomes as painful as letting go and forgetting about it.

Daddy Dearest

Dad and Mom, Appa and Amma are two people I have always wanted to write about but have never managed to. Today I try to pen a few thoughts about my dad, my dear appa, about what I think about him, what he means to me and show my affection for him. I often find it hard to express this to him, many a times I have sat in the same room as he is in thinking I should say it all but kept silent talking about every other thing. This is going to be a very feeble attempt to convey my thoughts, feelings in words. I wanted to make use of the day, Fathers day to remember him a little more than I always do. ( I do have had my issues with named days, will talk about that another day)

I resemble my dad and many people say so. Most people also say that the similarities end there and my personality goes completely by my mom. I silently agreed to it.

In the past few years that I have lived away from my parents and I have started thinking a lot more about them I reflect on how many things are common between dad and me, how similar I am to him. Now, this is not going to be about me, but about him, about those things in him that I would probably never tell him or anyone personally, like in a conversation.

Dad is one of the most caring people I have seen (apart from my grandfather). This trait in him does not come across to many as he remains aloof seeming a bit cut off or uninterested about anything happening. However, in time of need, when someone needs to stand, he is there. When the work is done and when all is well he silently disappears from the scene without leaving a trace that he was there.

He values his family more than many other things. I mean the extended family too. He never had any siblings but being brought up with cousins under one roof makes him think about them as one. He misses them, he misses the good old times he had with them through their childhood and cherishes the memories. Things have moved on and people have moved on, dad too has carried on with his, but somehow when he meets this bunch, he wants time to stand still and stay young again. This is how I feel when he talks about them, refers to them and does get a little disheartned about what relationships have come to when he meets them.

Dad's been heading a factory unit for years now. Though it's real hard work which strains him mentally and physically day after day, I think he is perfectly cut out for it. He is completely in his element when at work and I am sure it's one of the best jobs he could have had for his personality. A bank job, an office desk job would have bored him to death.

Dad finds it extremely hard to ask something of someone. He finds it really hard to take something, demand for something that is actually his own.... A lending hand that he is. Many mistake this as being really well off. Others take it for granted, some others also conclude that he should do it...after all let him pay, let him give.... Dad would never tell anyone about his hard times whether things are good, ok or bad....no one would ever know.

He has a few friends from college and childhood and not many more. He is in touch with most of them if not all...a typical man thing - wont try hard to stay in touch, when they do, it's great times.

In-spite of all, I somehow think that he is lonely in some way.

He loves me a lot, he misses me a lot and even though we speak for just a couple of mins when I call, I can sense the pride and joy he's had that his daughter had called him. I wish I never let him down in any way and would like to see him happy no matter what. I also hope he learns how to relax and take it easy....he's stubborn to even listen to it.

Most people think about their parents this way. I am no differrent. I love them, respect them and owe whatever I am today to them.

If there is someone who has stood by me and believed in my dreams and have fulfilled my little wishes ....it is Appa & Amma. My mom at least says a few words, expresses it...but dad....is silently there, watching me as I walk, as I grow and as I move on with my life.

Frustration - Unspoken Conversations!

I wish I was not such a private person. Of course for people who think they know me, I come across as a cheerful, lively soul who is chatty and talkitive, enjoying the company of family and friends all of which is true. However every person seems to have their other side and that for me is the person who struggles to
talk what is enveloping her mind every passing minute.

Yes! I have problems talking things out. I come really close to saying it, I would have weaved a story in my mind about how I am going to start, go through and end the conversation. I would have also thought of the 'right time' to make certain conversations - to say things, I also might have a Plan B and C if this time and circumstance does not work but the bottom line is 'I never say it out'.

It has come to a stage where I am frustrated almost every other day thinking what a failure I am!

Why is it so hard to speak?? Why is it so hard to open up? I am talking about opening up to people who are close to me, people who mean a lot to me.

A Beautiful Proposal

'Name a song that is your favourite' - That's quite a hard thing to do for most of us. The first thing one might say is 'It's hard to pick one, I have so many favourites'.

It's not any different with me, though; if I am really pushed to give an answer it's got to be either Rhim Jhim gire saawan (which I have blogged about before) or O mere dil ke chein (which I will be blogging about now).

I know what you are thinking - 2 songs! That’s not fair. Come on, I can have a choice of 2 amongst 1000s that are good. I like this song for the usual things - the music, the lyrics, the tune, the picturization and of course Kishore Kumar.

The song is where a boy asks the girl to be his for the rest of his life. The simplicity of the song is brought out in the lyrics which are more like the boy making a conversation with the love of his life asking her not to be scared, asking her to hold his hand and telling her that she means the world to him.

All this sounds a bit too cheesy isn't it, but honestly... that's what the song is all about and that's what makes it beautiful.

In its picturization, Tanuja has portrayed the shy girl who has just been told how special she is.  She has just been lifted off her two feet by the proposal. She is happy yet scared; she's over the moon but remains grounded to understand what her man is saying. Rajesh Khanna shows how eager he was to have her home and share the special feeling he had towards her.

This song makes me quote one from the book Shantaram 'Any Indian man will tell you that although love might not have been invented in India, it was certainly perfected there'

It's incomplete if I don't post the song here.