Come Full Circle

I guess the long aimless walk is all I wanted to get me penning down a few lines which I have been itching to do in the past few days.  My eyes are still tired....for a fact, I have been staring at my laptop screen non-stop for a good part of the past week. 

I have to start this one with the quote I had read and favourited. Sometime ago, may be a year now,  was when I was feeling down. Nothing seemed to cheer me up, I could not have what I wanted and on most occasions I did not know what I needed. This feeling of 'low' stayed with me for a long long time. I had messed up way too many things, I was losing too many good friends - some for my own fault, some for the circumstances, some because they probably decided I was not good enough for them and some more for they got so busy and pre-occupied in their lives that they just forgot that someone like me existed. 

I had decided then that I am going to keep myself occupied with things...simple as it may be, silly as it may sound but I would have a list of things to do, things not to do and I would stick to that and get so drowned in it that I don't feel as low. 

I can't say I have been entirely successful at this- there are many many times when I miss my friends, miss the company, feel low, down and depressed but the feeling stays for a while and goes away and I go back to my list. The 'peaks' and 'troughs' exist in my life as much as the sun and the moon do, as much as summer and winter does. It's become a part of me. 

It's been a while now, at least a good year and I have had those 'ups' and 'downs' but now as this year closes down I am back at being slightly on the low but holding up just so I can wait for the peak to happen. 

As the year has gone passed there's one thing that I have noticed... I love to have company - be it in new people I meet, old friends, cousins, family, new friends -that is one of the key things I need in life to move on. But I have also realized that all this cannot be wished for as the other person needs to wish the same and as much as I yearn for that togetherness, I can't have it. 

I am learning to be 'ok' with my own company and there are times when I am so comfortable at it that it is worrying.... it's worrying me a lot. I don't want to be this way, but it's just turning out this way...

Just like how all this I have scribbled so far is not making sense, this thought of what I enjoy  - 'the being together' and what I am doing  - 'the being with myself' , the contradiction that it brings is making me go slightly insane.....but, I am positively waiting for the 'peak' again - this time it's been a while since it has met me. 

Random Notes - It's that time of the year

Alright, just so we like to write random things about what's happening and what's not with life in general. 

It's that time of the year.....when you leave work its so dark that you want to hit the bed straight away, wearing a few extra layers still makes you feel cold to the bone, you may have a few too many clothing items on you that one minute you are hot as a freshly baked potato while in the tube or can't feel your fingers the minute you are out on the streets,  a day starts and ends by looking into the weather report for the next 24hrs and you'd need another hot drink even after sipping through 6-7 cups of tea or coffee a day...Well, I'll take it that you're getting the swing of things. 

I am being my own moody self and there's no changes on that end. I am uber happy and super excited about the simplest of things on one day and have a completely grey, sulky, sad, cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat-day just the next time the moon went around the earth. 

It's that time of the year which makes me the most emotionally drained when compared to any other time of the year- looking back on things unaccomplished, undone, unchanged in the past year there is a disappointment of some sorts on one end while the other end seems to be alright with the little new pleasures, new thoughts that took shape this year. 

It's a time to look forward to much more than any other time for that new year, for the new challenges, times and projects that I can take over and get at in the next year to come. It's like another chance in life to do something that you always wanted to, to change that annoying habit of yours that stuck like a parasite to you and to try and correct those mistakes that you repeated ....yet again. 

The drive to learn is still bubbling from within,the constant go to a new place even if its just a new street in the same city, or click a new picture, learn a new tone,read a new note, make someone happy, a little gesture to change a little thing for someone - This "do something" is what I have heard my inner voice sing to me, shout at me to keep me on the go. 

The restlessness to keep at something, not getting what I really want is constantly trying to take over me so easily. I am prodding along..... the 'Kat Rahi hai Zinadagi'....feeling, is not keeping me as positive as I would like to be. But I am trying, trying to hold myself together, to stay happy, to think ahead and leave the rest to dear God thanking him for those days when I neither feel too happy nor too sad but count the little blessings and stay just content.

Insanity envelops me

I think I am losing it as I write this. Another set of ramblings which completely relates to the mood that I am in. Looks like I end up publishing frustrating rants after every few articles. 

Ok...the bottom line is that I am feeling lonely and the details are that it has many faces to it.

I start with the simple conclusion that my hubby made when I spoke to him about it  - "I simply need someone with me all the time" ....which is true to a great extent but untrue too as I think I know myself better than he does. I have spent many an evening, weekend and many other days all by myself. 

Yes! I was always surrounded by people and I never thought there would be a day that would not be the case (yeah...how on earth did I conclude this!). When destiny brought me to the western world I saw that at most times there are no one around. Hubby has a terribly busy work schedule, his works demands total attention from him that I don't get to call him too if I feel like it. Ok....let's admit I don't feel bad or cry over it anymore. Friends, Acquaintances are busy with their lives and activities to be around. You cannot always count on someone else to keep you going. 

Friends used to say that the other word for determination is me. I don't see any of it left in me ( i.e. If I did have any!)...I don't seem to have the drive required for doing anything. What am I doing with my work? I feel like a zombie prodding along.What am I doing with my life? I am neither content with the schedule that I'm in nor am I doing something to change it. 

I have become so good at doing things that does not need me to have anyone and though at most times I have no issues with it, I can't help but feel gloomy on certain other days. But more often than not I do things all by myself- I am so used to myself now that I don't know how to react to company! 

One thing about feeling alone confirms the fact about who you have and who you don't. There are some people who walk away from you coz they have nothing good coming out of you....it isn't interesting anymore. 

A few of my friends who read all this will hate me for writing all this - the first thing they might ask is can you not tell us what your problem is instead of being so negative about everything? Sorry folks, the truth is that I just don't know what comes up on me to become so downbeat. I wish I could express better. 

I do know one reason why I am publishing this today as on some occasions the thoughts are so strong that I feel that putting it up here too is totally Normal and a sound thing to do..... 

Venting it Out

I know I shouldn't be writing today but I still am. I generally don't publish rants...but well...here I go...I have been following a couple of blogs where I have seen the 2 bloggers easily write about everything they are going through in life on a day to day basis....so easily they seem to pour out every happy occassion,every lonely moment and every sad day....I wish I could express as well as they do...

I cannot bring myself to say what I should be saying, what really is on my mind, I don't express what I should be expressing......to my parents, to my friends, to family and even to my husband .....this is as I have seen my worst weakness which has hurt me most than anything else.

I met a bunch of people today, none of whom I know anything about, but I generally had a good time...and my mind told me that this is what I needed. Now when I back in my solitude, I think is that what I really needed? It's like getting lost in the company of people who don't know you. Is it because it gives you the chance to be who you wanna be? Or just a. Perspective of it? It was a weird feeling when I thought back about the time spent.

I read a book recently in which the main character had a mental illness called the bipolar disorder - had never ever heard about it,had no clue that such a thing existed. It's a disorder where the subject is hyper active at times- does wonderful things, is most efficient in everything they do, and then they have times of depression, where nothing goes well. Hmm...I don't have to explain what a bipolar disorder is...one can get better information on the net about it. I just mentioned this to my hubby who is a doctor that I think I have mild case of this and he looked at me....gave a pause and said..yea! You have it!

My home back in India is undergoing renovation and every day when I talk to mom she tells me about the tensions that they are going through about this. I feel like such a bad daughter not being there and helping them out.

These may sound seriously odd.....may sound like tantrums...but I had to put this down....I had to let it go....I might do this more and more often to lighten me up. There is a unknown comfort in the fact that no one knows.....

Killing Thoughts

I cant be doing this...I don't want to do that..
I can't believe it has come to this stage!
I can't say that...I don't wanna say anything.
I can't understand why this is happening!
I don't want to get into this.
I don't know what might happen??
I can't get you.. Why can't you get me..
Don't you hear me..don't you understand me..
I can't understand why things have to be "this" way
Why can't things be done this way?
I can't digest any more of your cold behaviour towards me!
I don't get the reason behind you treating me this way!
I can't get over by the fact it is considered that whatever i have is not good and the thoughts which run through my mind are not right.
I can't take this anymore..

.....Why is it that thoughts, thoughts that are negative, thoughts that kill always

envelops my mind!!! does it happen with everyone or is it me!!!!!!