Insanity envelops me

I think I am losing it as I write this. Another set of ramblings which completely relates to the mood that I am in. Looks like I end up publishing frustrating rants after every few articles. 

Ok...the bottom line is that I am feeling lonely and the details are that it has many faces to it.

I start with the simple conclusion that my hubby made when I spoke to him about it  - "I simply need someone with me all the time" ....which is true to a great extent but untrue too as I think I know myself better than he does. I have spent many an evening, weekend and many other days all by myself. 

Yes! I was always surrounded by people and I never thought there would be a day that would not be the case (yeah...how on earth did I conclude this!). When destiny brought me to the western world I saw that at most times there are no one around. Hubby has a terribly busy work schedule, his works demands total attention from him that I don't get to call him too if I feel like it. Ok....let's admit I don't feel bad or cry over it anymore. Friends, Acquaintances are busy with their lives and activities to be around. You cannot always count on someone else to keep you going. 

Friends used to say that the other word for determination is me. I don't see any of it left in me ( i.e. If I did have any!)...I don't seem to have the drive required for doing anything. What am I doing with my work? I feel like a zombie prodding along.What am I doing with my life? I am neither content with the schedule that I'm in nor am I doing something to change it. 

I have become so good at doing things that does not need me to have anyone and though at most times I have no issues with it, I can't help but feel gloomy on certain other days. But more often than not I do things all by myself- I am so used to myself now that I don't know how to react to company! 

One thing about feeling alone confirms the fact about who you have and who you don't. There are some people who walk away from you coz they have nothing good coming out of you....it isn't interesting anymore. 

A few of my friends who read all this will hate me for writing all this - the first thing they might ask is can you not tell us what your problem is instead of being so negative about everything? Sorry folks, the truth is that I just don't know what comes up on me to become so downbeat. I wish I could express better. 

I do know one reason why I am publishing this today as on some occasions the thoughts are so strong that I feel that putting it up here too is totally Normal and a sound thing to do.....