Sunday, June 23, 2013

Emotionally Bound

Relationships are so fragile. In this day when more often than not families are getting smaller, friends are getting farther and staying in touch is mainly on a social networking site, my heart still yearns for that contact, for the togetherness which is becoming such a rarity.

Many relationships don't stay, don't sustain the test of time. It is so easy in the current lifestyle to see the most simple way of not staying in touch - 'out of sight is out of mind'. It is quite saddening to see that 'we have moved on in our lives so much and there isn't a lot in common that one may have with that old friend. So caught up are we in the routine that it's too hard to remember that makes me remember what a relative of mine living in the US once told me, 'I always remember to call people in India, now that you live in the UK I forget it.' Probably shows how important I am to that person.

Circumstances takes the better of you. Not in the right place, at the right time, being drowned in work or just that phase of life when something else takes over our time and mind that there isn't a lot one can do about staying in touch and keeping the relationship.

Mis-understandings, perhaps the other beast to ruin the harmony. A relationship that's shared by two individuals can only be understood by those two people. Whether its that of a husband-wife, mother-daughter, two friends, two colleagues, teacher-student, uncle-niece, it's definitely not possible for a third person to know what the relationship holds. 

Sometimes, I can't help but show my worst side to the person I like the most. I'd do anything to know why I go through such mood swings or a low feeling (for the lack of a better word) that I bring it on on someone I shouldn't. This in particular does not help sustain a relationship....there is only so much the other individual can take.

Expectations are deadly. You expect a certain something when you meet that old friend after many years. That not going your way calls for alarm bells to say it ain't worth it. Pre conceived notions on what to say, what to hear can only lead to the feeling a bit more.

For someone who values relationships and would not want to lose people in my, cousins, friends who I meet during the course of life the reality is far from it. 
Whether its due to circumstances or my own fault, I don't have all the people I'd love to have with me. I often think that I should forget it and let go and carry on, easier said than done. It's an emotional bonding...staying & holding onto it becomes as painful as letting go and forgetting about it.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Daddy Dearest

Dad and Mom, Appa and Amma are two people I have always wanted to write about but have never managed to. Today I try to pen a few thoughts about my dad, my dear appa, about what I think about him, what he means to me and show my affection for him. I often find it hard to express this to him, many a times I have sat in the same room as he is in thinking I should say it all but kept silent talking about every other thing. This is going to be a very feeble attempt to convey my thoughts, feelings in words. I wanted to make use of the day, Fathers day to remember him a little more than I always do. ( I do have had my issues with named days, will talk about that another day)

I resemble my dad and many people say so. Most people also say that the similarities end there and my personality goes completely by my mom. I silently agreed to it.

In the past few years that I have lived away from my parents and I have started thinking a lot more about them I reflect on how many things are common between dad and me, how similar I am to him. Now, this is not going to be about me, but about him, about those things in him that I would probably never tell him or anyone personally, like in a conversation.

Dad is one of the most caring people I have seen (apart from my grandfather). This trait in him does not come across to many as he remains aloof seeming a bit cut off or uninterested about anything happening. However, in time of need, when someone needs to stand, he is there. When the work is done and when all is well he silently disappears from the scene without leaving a trace that he was there.

He values his family more than many other things. I mean the extended family too. He never had any siblings but being brought up with cousins under one roof makes him think about them as one. He misses them, he misses the good old times he had with them through their childhood and cherishes the memories. Things have moved on and people have moved on, dad too has carried on with his, but somehow when he meets this bunch, he wants time to stand still and stay young again. This is how I feel when he talks about them, refers to them and does get a little disheartned about what relationships have come to when he meets them.

Dad's been heading a factory unit for years now. Though it's real hard work which strains him mentally and physically day after day, I think he is perfectly cut out for it. He is completely in his element when at work and I am sure it's one of the best jobs he could have had for his personality. A bank job, an office desk job would have bored him to death.

Dad finds it extremely hard to ask something of someone. He finds it really hard to take something, demand for something that is actually his own.... A lending hand that he is. Many mistake this as being really well off. Others take it for granted, some others also conclude that he should do it...after all let him pay, let him give.... Dad would never tell anyone about his hard times whether things are good, ok or one would ever know.

He has a few friends from college and childhood and not many more. He is in touch with most of them if not all...a typical man thing - wont try hard to stay in touch, when they do, it's great times.
In-spite of all, I somehow think that he is lonely in some way.

He loves me a lot, he misses me a lot and even though we speak for just a couple of mins when I call, I can sense the pride and joy he's had that his daughter had called him. I wish I never let him down in any way and would like to see him happy no matter what. I also hope he learns how to relax and take it easy....he's stubborn to even listen to it.

Most people think about their parents this way. I am no differrent. I love them, respect them and owe whatever I am today to them.

If there is someone who has stood by me and believed in my dreams and have fulfilled my little wishes is Appa & Amma. My mom at least says a few words, expresses it...but silently there, watching me as I walk, as I grow and as I move on with my life.

Sunday, June 02, 2013

Bangalore Diaries

My mind is still fresh with the memories of my visit to home and home town. I sense a rush in me to complete this write up, I also sense the restlessness that I will not do justice in translating my thoughts to this blog. 

There is something about Bangalore (for me its specifically South Bangalore) that is hard to explain especially to someone who doesn't belong to it. They just don't get what the gaga is all about. 
Let's face it. It's not the best city on earth. It definitely does not score any points on the infrastructure aspect of it. It has too many people. It's become very expensive. The traffic is a mess and the weather isn't great anymore. In spite of all this there is a certain old world charm that stays hand in hand with the progress of modern day. 

I noticed myself noticing certain things that make a difference to me. Some of them are so simple, so silly that I was surprised that I was even bothering about it. This is what makes it home for me and makes the place unique. There are many memories etched in many different places  that makes me go back to it. 

Most of the main streets in Bangalore have huge trees on either sides of the road, the names of which I know not . It forms a beautiful canopy to the main, typically traffic clogged road. The tree lined streets for the residential areas blooming with May flowers form a pretty sight. Most houses have a coconut tree or two, the sky scape is filled with high flying coconut trees. In season, Mango trees everywhere are completely clad with fruit. 

As you step out in the hot summer sun, the majjige from Nandini diary cools you. Just as you think that the days are too hot and unbearable, the evening brings with it summer showers and makes the air pleasant like there was no heat.  The morning after the rains are the best, the air is fresh, all the trees having had their wash, the green looks greener.

Though, a big city, residential areas do have a community feel to it with most of the residents having lived there for 30+ years.
That street side vegetable vendor who saw me after ages enquired how Pune was, remembering that I worked there when I first had a job, something which is fading away from my own memory.  Makes me remember the other vegetable vendor who came to the same street every day at 4:30pm for 32years. If that seems long, the gentleman who brings butter and door delivers it every 3rd Sunday so my grandma can make ghee has been visiting us for 45years. 

I will have to write about Prakash who runs a little 'Masala Puri Gaadi', we overheard someone calling him this, years later we found out that his actual name was shivanna. Eating paani puris from him are so entertaining. He incorporates cricketing terms while he's serving the gol guppas one after the other. He usually serves it for 3-4 people at a time on a round robin basis and treats them as a team of players, actually batsmen. He throws in an extra piece in between and calls it a no ball. If while placing the puri on the plate, it breaks , he calls it a dead ball. If the puri is a huge one, he terms that a googly. Just after one plate is done, he asks if we are ready for another over and if we are done he declares us Out and calls out to the next team to play the new over. I cannot think of this happening anywhere else. 

It was the time of the year when then SSLC and PUC results were out. The newspaper was full of it. The talk from the maid, to the milkman was about someone who scored well, oasis with flying colours and their ambitions. It's that phase every child in India who's fortunate enough to get education goes through. So much is decided about your life at these two points.
There is a balance in life that most people do. I saw myself going for a walk in lalbagh, attending a wedding, visiting the temple for a puja, watching a movie, catching up with a friend at a coffee shop and going out to the pub all on the same day. The variety of activities that's thrown at you is so random.

I could perhaps go on and on about many things and each line will be out of sync with the others. What I feel about being in Bangalore and what I do there cannot happen anywhere else in the world and no matter how much I try, I can't express well enough in words.