Friday, February 14, 2014

Have been thinking. May be a bit too much.

Ok. So let me face it, I have been quiet for over a month and have had a bloggers block ( calling myself a writer is something I am not ready to do yet). 
I have had thoughts on various things. Have been wanting to tell the stories of so many different tales running through my mind,  but have had my issues to translate those thoughts onto paper...well, electronic paper.

Off late I have been asking and prodding on about a 'what if' for almost everything I have laid my hands on. Though this is making me restless, far too much than what I can handle,it's given me an insight into what I am or where I am in my life today.

This year I told myself that if I have a chance to do something that I perceive as interesting I will do it. Work took me away to the faraway land of the USA ( funny I still think of the US as far away land). I jumped at the chance I got to visit the nearby sights - Sedona, the Grand Canyon and a weekend in Las Vegas....I wondered if I didn't have that tiny streak of just do it, would I have had the experience of travel? Would i have even taken the leap of what I do today - in terms of work and also personally. I might have been at one place doing the same thing.

I strongly believe that some incidents that happen to a person just dies with that person. I have been giving myself a hard time thinking about what if that sort of an incident never happened, would I have been a totally different person? I guess there is no right or wrong answer to it. I also know that there is no point in questioning, that there is no better feeling in thinking it through either...but can't help shutting it out.

Why do I have to be grounded to home and all things family? I give/am giving myself immense stress in keeping everyone happy and trying to bring peace for no fault of mine. What if I could put my foot down on one thing - could have kept one person totally happy and the other may be upset, but atleast I might have been sane knowing that I don't have to play this balancing act constantly, without anyone realising how much harm it's causing me...but will this happen....I don't see it in this lifetime knowing the type of person I am.

Sometimes I wonder if I could have been this simple girl who had no ambitions,no drive, no aspirations of going and getting something. What if I was just happy and content and in total peace being the girl who studied some degree, got married, had children, stayed home and looked after the family and was busy from morning to night in her world....would I have been all right with this? I am not so sure again. Though it seems like that perfect little world, I can't see myself enjoying it and being happy with it. 

You know, in spite of all the journey of thoughts, 'what if' dear God really knows me better than me and has planned all this out for me just for my own good? Is a beautiful note that settles me. That hope that no matter what the little brain thinks the greater person has thought the whole story through is an unbelievable feeling. It's like going to bed and sleeping just to wake up and see all's in place. 

Well, well, well.... so as you can see this mind of mine has been going all over the place. Some thoughts have been good, some positive, some totally crazy and some make me wonder whether I am normal anymore( I see myself smiling as I write this). 
However, when it comes to my blog I have stopped doing a 'what if' and plan to complete some experiences in the past few months that are sitting incomplete and put them up here pretty soon.