Having a Business Mind - NOT!

Fruit Garden is a little shop near home which stocks Asian groceries, organic and health foods. Every time I wait at the till to pay for my shopping, I can't help but notice the different types of little bites - cookies, fudges, health bars, protein bars, nut bars and so on that this shop sticks and it always tempts me to try one. They are pretty expensive for what they are and this stops me from picking things up.

A really tiny piece called the 'Indian bar' caught my eye and it was full of goodness as it said on the board - dates, almonds, pistachios and cardamom all beaten up and mixed together - can't go wrong with that combination, can you?  This tiny bite was 70p which is a lot for what it was. I started my conversation about this to the shop keeper who is a pal now and he mentioned that it's a very fast seller and though expensive, it is really very tasty. Now, all my resistance in the past months was futile and I had to try it. 'No one can eat just one' doesn't apply only for pringles or lays you know. This bite was indeed quite tasty.  I also spoke to him that if I can make it, I would sell the same for 40p and jokingly chatted if he can stock my product - his quick answer being  that another Indian lady who frequents the shop had a similar idea and the taste was not quite the same when she tried it.
 

During my walk back home, I pondered on stopping by Tesco to buy these ingredients to make at home. But by the time I got home and started getting into the mundane evening chores my mind slowly drifted from the whole business idea - making some to stock it in the shop was a out of the question, I couldn't be asked to make some for myself!
 

A couple of years ago, a friend of mine and me did almost of week of research and looked into the paper work to start up a Indian chat stall in one of the markets in London. Well, a Saturday business where we can cook some simple one pot Indian meals and sell it. Though this idea came by for our love of markets, street food and cooking, the thought of starting something up on our own gave us the thrill.

 

Of course, by the end of the week when we went through the process steps that we need to go through to get a license, to the logistics issue, to not having a large kitchen and extra space in either of our homes to stock the pots, pans and groceries and to the final thought of giving up the precious Saturday did not look like it was worth the effort. Was it not easier to stop by one of those stalls, buy the food, sit under a tree or on the lawn, or by the river to rejoice the food?

 

There were many other small ideas that came and died a silent death with my I-don't-wanna-take-a-chance, it's-too-much-effort, the-returns-aren't-really-that-good or in other words a 'I'll-stick-to-my-day-job-and-do-nothing-more' attitude that runs in me.

 

The hubby on the other end is quite an opposite.  Though he does have the ' it's-too-much-effort 'problem, he definitely does not have the other traits I have. In the past 6 years, I have noticed him speak and do things that I might not have imagined in my wildest dreams. That thought would have NEVER occurred to me. He too is busy with his day job of being a doctor which is far more tedious and time consuming than mine - so I will not hold him against not really starting anything but appreciate the fact that his passion towards it doesn't die as quickly as mine.

 

He mentioned recently out of frustration that he should have been born in a Gujju or Marwari family where everyone is up for doing something on their own. The people who surround him, in other words me and his dad of course lack that drive.

 

Someday, I wish I can come around to doing something than just making notes of what I could have possibly done, but for now I understand that I don't really have a 'Business Mind' whatsoever.

 

Highway

 I don't usually write a review about a movie or a book as I don't think I am worthy enough to publish my say on someone's hard work.   This isn't a review, though I am happy to recommend anyone reading this to watch the movie - if you haven't already. 

Highway, is perhaps the first movie that made me think I should write about. Now, let's be clear,  I am not saying it is the best movie ever. I would probably not go away and watch it 100 times over like I do with a few other movies, some that I had written about a while ago. I didn't love all the songs, I did think it was slow paced, I thought it could have been shorter, which, by the way, I think about every Hindi movie I watch these days. But, in spite of sounding so negative about it so far, there were enough things in the movie that made me think about it, made me go back to it even when it was over. 

This movie made me connect with it in more ways than one. I could relate with the character, with the free spirit, with the travels and tales that come with it, with taking each day as it comes and mainly with 'NOT having a plan'. It must sound like I live in a fancy fairy tale taking each day as it comes, not knowing where I am headed, just go with the flow and all that. But, in all honestly, when I give it a thought or two, I have been doing that for more years than I care to remember. 

Traveling is something that can catch up with most people pretty easily. It's addictive. You plan a travel, make your bookings and go away for a while and I bet, a few days after you return, you're most likely browsing and reading about the next potential travel if not booking it. 

I love to travel too but my travel needs to have a factor of nature to it. A week in the most expensive beach resort just does not attract me. Instead, tell me we are going for a cycling tour of 3 days for 8hrs a day and I am all up for it. Guess you know what I am talking about.  That thrill to experience the place in your own way, by touching it, but connecting it with simple things like climb a hill, wash your feet on a brook, look up at the sky and observe the stars and just marvel at the solid mountain range that stands so strong. Highway brought out that person who enjoys going out and about and relishing the moment - whatever the place and situation has to offer, feeling that place and taking in what it has to offer. 

One of my wildest fantasies have been to hitchhike a ride on a lorry (well... a truck!) in India and voila! the movie is shot mostly on a truck and the road and the pit stops of this journey. The way the cargo lorry system operates in India makes me wonder. It probably is such a lonely job, when you see those drivers take these truck loads to many miles away with almost a week or so on the road and the only point of contact with people, the communication and interaction would be when they stop for a refreshment, that little cup of tea may be. There must be so many stories associated with a travel like that, but it makes me think if they really think about it as an adventure. Do they not think of it as their job? their Bread & butter? Surely, it's hard,being away from family, being on the road constantly without really a familiar place, I bet they do it for a living and not for the kick that the travel gives you for the likes of you and me. This character is perfectly portrayed by Ranveer Hooda in the film. You know that this man holds many stories with him behind that hard exterior one sees. Haven't we seen many such people, many of these lorry drivers taking a little break at a dhaba on the highway? 

Imtiaz Ali, the director, must be a wanderer of sorts. The way he has brought in the music of the road, of the region blend in to the main story makes it so real. The things that Veera, played by Alia Bhatt ends up doing - talking to herself, gape at a hill and the next minute you are climbing it, the many stops for chai, sitting on a rock and just looking at the scenery or should I say the non-existence of a scenery. Something as simple as making Maggi in a little hut up the hill or the fact that she doesn't think about the next day. She's living that moment like she's in a dream world captured me really dearly. 

"Jahan se tum mujhe laye ho, mein wahan wapas nahi jaana chahti.

 Jahan bhi le ja rahe ho, wahan pahunchna nahi chahti.

 Par yeh raasta, yeh bahut accha hai.

 Mein chahti hoon ki yeh raasta kabhi khatam na ho."

These words did it for me.  I cannot remember the number of times I have wished that the ride never ended, that feeling of coming to an end and not being able to re-create the moment happens when we reach the destination. All we have left is the memories of the road. 

“Life is a journey, not a destination.” 

― Ralph Waldo Emerson 

How true was this man saying this? I don't think I agree with this more at this stage in my life. Let's see what a few years down holds for me. But for now, I am happy to stick to this.

                               

Window Seat

Yes, I have one on my train from London to Nottingham. From the time I remember, I have never said no to a train journey. I sometimes feel like I live in a little fantasy world I have created for myself where the simplest of things gets me thrilled.

It’s almost a decade ago that I was working in Chennai and made weekend trips back home to Bangalore (Yes… Bangalore and not Bengaluru!).  My world revolved around trains, booking centres and train stations. I also had this bizarre idea about working in the train station where I can announce the arrivals and departures in Hindi & Tamil. Something about naming the unknown and faraway places gave me a weird thrill. Like a train from Chennai to Delhi – wow! A long way to go.

I have to  get a window seat, preferably forward facing and no matter how many times the same route is taken, I have to look out for every station called and look outside at the passing landscape even if it was a rather plain non-dramatic scenery.  So a night journey was something I didn’t look forward to as much. I couldn’t sleep well – with the restlessness about where we are and how far we have come to the worry of what’s happening to my belongings and finally the Ticket collector nudging you to check your tickets just when you thought you could doze off.

The trains in the western world are, needless to say, different. For a start, they are extremely clean. They can be cozy, well, if the air con setting is correct, if not it can be quite chilly too. They are definitely fast, so you can really cover a lot of distance is not so much time. However, for  me, are 3 things about train rides here to back home that make a world of difference.

The uneventfulness, if I can say that is what doesn’t make me remember anything special about the train rides here. For a start, there is hardly any form of conversation with anyone, so you see I can sit there typing all this up! Secondly, it’s the food – the cold drinks, cold sandwiches and a few packs of chips (well…crisps as it’s called here) just don’t do it for me. God! Do I miss the fresh hot food coming out of the pantry car – and I am specifically talking about the Lalbagh Express which provided all this and enough entertainment for the rides back home. For a third, it’s the fact that it is so quiet which isn’t a bad thing, you can actually listen to music, read and sleep (if you can) at peace. But peculiar as it may seem I miss that Chug-Chug -Chuk-Chuk sound that is so characteristic of trains.

I have more stories to speak about my train rides 10 years ago than I have done in the past 6 years – and I know I have done more here than back home.

Nevertheless, the train journeys in the UK make you go through undramatic Rolling Meadows, the countryside is beautiful and can be quite picture perfect on a lovely day, but there is no huge change in the landscape – there is a monotony to it which is actually quite peaceful.

Train rides bring out the side of me which often does not surface.  It’s one of the few times when I don’t think much, the mind is inactive and just watching the scenes pass by taking in what comes along the journey

Cure the Crisis

Little experiences in life add so much to the way you do and see things. One such event is what I want to talk about here. 

A few years ago I volunteered at this little charity which runs during Christmas for the homeless people - it was a small unknown place and I loved being a part of it for my time there. I remember it as being enjoyable, also a bit frustrating and very exhausting (I know....I am so bad). I thought a bout it as a nice thing to do and left it there. Though the thought crossed my mind that I could do more of this, I never got my act together. 

This Christmas I picked it up again. Having known that I have days off during the time and not much to do I decided to enrol myself with 'Crisis at Christmas' who are perhaps the biggest organization in all of Europe doing work around homelessness.

Not knowing what I really wanted to do, I put my name as a general volunteer. If you are a professional, you can also add yourself for Kitchen duties, IT Support, Medical Services and such others. A general volunteer could be doing anything from serving meals, to sitting at the information desk, to manning the entrances and exits, to keeping a check at the luggage lounge or the art and craft centre, the shower facilities and so on. 

A complete volunteer led group that it is, you could see some really amazing organization of tasks, duties, roles - everything just seemed to have run so smooth. Each of us had another volunteer paired with us for every activity, so it never really felt like you were in it alone. It gives you a chance to interact with all the other wonderful people who give up their personal time to do this and understand why they connect with it. It's inspiring to hear the story behind why they choose to do this, also interesting and perhaps  a reality check on how we are so engrossed in our lives that this experience is somewhat surreal. 

Crisis arranged an induction programme for first time volunteers to give us an idea of what to expect, the do's and don'ts and it was such a well planned presentation that I was already quite sure that the process would be smooth.

  

It's amazing to see professionals  - doctors, dentists, hair dressers, masseurs, advisers provide their services. 

The kitchen staff ensuring that the people (our guests as we learn to call) get proper meals - a hot plate of food. The shower rooms are kept ready so they can have a warm shower, the IT room is ready with computers for the people to have a little cyber space, the TV room and cinema is showing movies everyday, the art & craft room is open for the creative lot, sports rooms with table tennis, luggage room to store their belongings, tea & coffee all day long.

 

It was great to see the happiness when they had their hot shower and came out all fresh, the excitement to know that they can get a haircut or enjoy a full hot meal with a dessert. They were thrilled to know there was a masseur, Relieved to know they can leave their belongings overnight at a place where they don't have to worry about it being stolen.

These were things that are so inconceivable to the normal you and me. How often do we think whether we cannot have that simple hot shower or a meal a day or get a haircut and look presentable ? Perhaps Never?  

The worry that you have to carry everything that you possibly own always on you. Can't leave it anywhere....don't have a place to leave it. 

It's hard to imagine and live knowing that as the night falls and the crowds recede, the shops close, businesses end there is no place to go, that a new footpath, garden bench, parking lot needs to be searched for a place to retire for the night.

That very thought makes me count my blessings, that I am so lucky to have been born, raised and living a life where everything is kinda normal where my worries seem so small when compared to what some of these people have.

Come Full Circle

I guess the long aimless walk is all I wanted to get me penning down a few lines which I have been itching to do in the past few days.  My eyes are still tired....for a fact, I have been staring at my laptop screen non-stop for a good part of the past week. 

I have to start this one with the quote I had read and favourited. Sometime ago, may be a year now,  was when I was feeling down. Nothing seemed to cheer me up, I could not have what I wanted and on most occasions I did not know what I needed. This feeling of 'low' stayed with me for a long long time. I had messed up way too many things, I was losing too many good friends - some for my own fault, some for the circumstances, some because they probably decided I was not good enough for them and some more for they got so busy and pre-occupied in their lives that they just forgot that someone like me existed. 

I had decided then that I am going to keep myself occupied with things...simple as it may be, silly as it may sound but I would have a list of things to do, things not to do and I would stick to that and get so drowned in it that I don't feel as low. 

I can't say I have been entirely successful at this- there are many many times when I miss my friends, miss the company, feel low, down and depressed but the feeling stays for a while and goes away and I go back to my list. The 'peaks' and 'troughs' exist in my life as much as the sun and the moon do, as much as summer and winter does. It's become a part of me. 

It's been a while now, at least a good year and I have had those 'ups' and 'downs' but now as this year closes down I am back at being slightly on the low but holding up just so I can wait for the peak to happen. 

As the year has gone passed there's one thing that I have noticed... I love to have company - be it in new people I meet, old friends, cousins, family, new friends -that is one of the key things I need in life to move on. But I have also realized that all this cannot be wished for as the other person needs to wish the same and as much as I yearn for that togetherness, I can't have it. 

I am learning to be 'ok' with my own company and there are times when I am so comfortable at it that it is worrying.... it's worrying me a lot. I don't want to be this way, but it's just turning out this way...

Just like how all this I have scribbled so far is not making sense, this thought of what I enjoy  - 'the being together' and what I am doing  - 'the being with myself' , the contradiction that it brings is making me go slightly insane.....but, I am positively waiting for the 'peak' again - this time it's been a while since it has met me. 

Random Notes - It's that time of the year

Alright, just so we like to write random things about what's happening and what's not with life in general. 

It's that time of the year.....when you leave work its so dark that you want to hit the bed straight away, wearing a few extra layers still makes you feel cold to the bone, you may have a few too many clothing items on you that one minute you are hot as a freshly baked potato while in the tube or can't feel your fingers the minute you are out on the streets,  a day starts and ends by looking into the weather report for the next 24hrs and you'd need another hot drink even after sipping through 6-7 cups of tea or coffee a day...Well, I'll take it that you're getting the swing of things. 

I am being my own moody self and there's no changes on that end. I am uber happy and super excited about the simplest of things on one day and have a completely grey, sulky, sad, cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat-day just the next time the moon went around the earth. 

It's that time of the year which makes me the most emotionally drained when compared to any other time of the year- looking back on things unaccomplished, undone, unchanged in the past year there is a disappointment of some sorts on one end while the other end seems to be alright with the little new pleasures, new thoughts that took shape this year. 

It's a time to look forward to much more than any other time for that new year, for the new challenges, times and projects that I can take over and get at in the next year to come. It's like another chance in life to do something that you always wanted to, to change that annoying habit of yours that stuck like a parasite to you and to try and correct those mistakes that you repeated ....yet again. 

The drive to learn is still bubbling from within,the constant go to a new place even if its just a new street in the same city, or click a new picture, learn a new tone,read a new note, make someone happy, a little gesture to change a little thing for someone - This "do something" is what I have heard my inner voice sing to me, shout at me to keep me on the go. 

The restlessness to keep at something, not getting what I really want is constantly trying to take over me so easily. I am prodding along..... the 'Kat Rahi hai Zinadagi'....feeling, is not keeping me as positive as I would like to be. But I am trying, trying to hold myself together, to stay happy, to think ahead and leave the rest to dear God thanking him for those days when I neither feel too happy nor too sad but count the little blessings and stay just content.

The Wall

It's 2 AM and I have been looking at the wall beside my bed with many different thoughts crossing through the mind. While I have just finished reading a good book and have no other to pick up at this grave hour, a feeling of emptiness...like something has come to an end creeps through these dark hours of the unending night resonating with the blankness of this plain wall.

The section of the wall, a light dullness, a lived-in look compared to the fresh feel of the rest of the room has been in rendezvous with me on many such sleepless nights. So many memories, thoughts, ideas have creped up. Being in the cosy comforts of the bed where I'm tucked in, the wall has witnessed the narrations, a note, a poem, a song, hoping that it is remembered the next morning when I would have wish to put it down in ink. 

Imaginary flowers, birds, patterns have found this as a canvas, re-tracing where the last stroke was left. Pleased that a sketch went well or erasing with yet another imaginary instrument to start fresh. 

That little spider on the far end of the wall has weaved it's little home, it's little world in this big broken world. A thought crosses my mind that I have neglected this corner when I vacuumed the room. What rights do I have to break the little spiders' world? Hold it against the fact that it built its little abode in my room? Am I not trying to build my own little abode the same way as the spider?

Just as I toss and turn,  I gape at the crack in the wall. This being brushed away as a small thing, nothing structural, just a little leak that might have caused it....isn't that a reflection of the life I live? A little crack here, a little leak there but we carry on. 

The wall isn't empty. It has our memories collaged together, to bring those smiles when  we remember the days gone by. They stand there looking at me saying all was well and is well and it's just the game of thoughts that run through the mind. 

The paint defect,the damaged paint with the table rubbing in have all got a story to say,  or so I think or is it just my imagination running wild.....? 

A simple, uncomplicated, easy, blah blah..... far from it.

Well, just as I thought I was able to churn out blog posts pretty quickly, I've had a brief writer's block, a sudden loss of ideas, a pause. Nothing seemed relevant, concrete or complete enough to post here.

A lot of things are going through my little insignificant brain from the past few weeks and a lot is going on in my life too, oh! don't jump into conclusions - nothing too good nor bad but plain simple everyday life which I think has its own worth. 

While one part of me is feeling all tired and frustrated and sick of the boring busy routine I have for myself, the other side of me is trying to be all positive and peppy reminding me that I don't own all of life's problems and that I need to learn to be happy and content with what I have and not. Yeah Yeah... I do get philosophical in my mind at times. 

Somehow in all that I am consumed with in my current life, memories are taking over most of my time and thoughts, leaving me with cackling laughter, a wide smile , an odd tear.  I can't get by most of the day to day tasks without thinking about how it used to be or without reflecting on what I had done a few years ago on the same occasion. It's about remembering the loved ones I have left behind far far away from where I am today. Nostalgia seems to be taking complete control over me and my activities.

More so in these months of festivals. The urge to do things, to connect the current life to the past years is huge. To weave in what roots I carry to the modern, western way of living. There is a sense of carrying on by myself towards  what I need to achieve, how I need to live, what I need to do, however with the consciousness of making this journey with those that matter to me.

I'd love to tell my loved ones back home what they mean to me. I'd like to remind them not to forget me. I'd like to let them know I think of them all the time. I'd like to say that without the memories knitted with them I cannot progress today...that's how dependent I am on it. 

However, can I bring myself to saying it? do I actually say it? No, I don't.  Communication, Conversation, speaking my mind, showing my feelings is something I never thought I'd struggle with so much. So much that I hate what I end up doing, just bottling it within. Keeping mum!

Call this post a vent, call this a cry, it's actually neither. It's just the haphazardness of a complex thinking mind that's made it's way on paper. It's a pretty weird feeling I am living with in the past few months. It's amazing how a fairly sane routine too can kill you. 

I know I am trying, learning, failing, being happy, being sad, being confused, being angry all at the same time and getting all too over-sentimental about everyday life. And I know that a bit of randomness in a blog post won't hurt and you won't mind it. 

This happened to them (True Stories)

I find it quite hard to write stories, I see myself a better story teller when I am narrating it myself. I struggle to bring into words the intonations and the hand movements that are such a part of the 'talking me' which makes the story listen-able. 

My mother on the other hand is a brilliant story teller. Well, don't ask her about any movies (bollywood) that she has recently seen (especially if you want to watch it). She would have told it in such detail that you will be left tearing your hair apart if you happen to watch it. In fact, she would have glorified some parts of the film so much that you will also be disappointed that the director didn't do a good enough job of it. 

Well...these stories are true and have been narrated to me by the film encyclopedia that my mom is referred to fondly by my dad. I will try to do justice to the way it was narrated to me already knowing that something will be missed. 

Act of Kindness:

My ajji(grandma) is one of the most careful, conscious and responsible persons I have known. She is always alert about her surroundings and is very independent in her ways. (I do think that the 'being independent' part of me is something I get from her...ok, ok, now I won't get carried away talking about this). So, knowing for sure that she is more than capable of handling her things, her travels, her life my father also leaves her to her terms. One day when she got off the auto from her usual visits to the temple, she walked in excited to show my mother the new saree she had got for her (she keeps picking little things like this for all of us... how sweet). All that done she quickly realized that her little wallet was missing. She had about Rs.2000 and the most importantly the house keys. She was dejected and blamed herself for not being more careful. The sensitive side of her took the better of her and tears started rolling down.  All those thoughts of what was the driver's name (I should have read the board in the auto), what was the number plate, should have checked the seat before I got off were running through her mind and she was sad. My mother comforted her and being common sensical at a time like this called the police station and logged a complaint. Within about 1/2 an hour she received a call back saying that an auto driver has come back to hand over a purse. She was asked to visit the police station and there he was with ajji's purse and the contents intact. My mom rewarded him, thanked him kindly and happily got home. It goes without mention that ajji was elated. Such acts of kindness does exist even today and to have close encounters with it is so reassuring in the ways of the everyday world. 

Diamonds are forever:

It is a given that mom, ajji and the women of that generation coming from a middle to upper middle to the rich have always worn a pair of diamond earrings. It's like their daily jewelery. (wow, had never realized how fancy this sounds until I wrote this). Well... that's that. 

A few days after I was married and sent away, Amma and Appa had to visit Raichur for my mom's friend's father's 60th (they are like my mom's Godparents). It was a train ride and a taxi to get there with a visit to Mantralaya being a must do. Overnight train journeys in India are fun. Some decent planning needs to be done on the baggage mainly on how to secure it, the things required to sleep - air pillows, a bed spread, a cover, arrangements for food (the canteen food on train is usually good but you have take your chances with it). So, with all this my mother was crazy busy and finally at bed time sleep didn't beckon. The draft from the window made her toss and turn until it was a new day and time to get off at their station where the train halted for a mere 5 minutes. In between packing all the stuff, amma froze to realize that her earring was missing from one ear. They searched all over the little train compartment with no avail. Needless to say she was dejected, those earrings she has been wearing for a few decades, precious earrings and all in the span of a night. She silently removed the other, bought an artificial earring and had to carry on with the days. The thought never left her and the loss was huge for her. She couldn't help but think, talk, mention that loss where ever she went. As amma and appa were coming back from the temple on the hot day with my father walking way quicker than my mother she saw a sparkly object stuck to his chappals and Voila! it was the diamond earring! 

What a saga, the earring must have fallen in the train compartment and my dad might have stepped on it, the rubber beneath his chappals grabbing the earring, this could be the only explanation to what has happened. He walked on it for 2 full days before they found it. Well! Some miracles do happen! 

Emotionally Bound

Relationships are so fragile. In this day when more often than not families are getting smaller, friends are getting farther and staying in touch is mainly on a social networking site, my heart still yearns for that contact, for the togetherness which is becoming such a rarity.

Many relationships don't stay, don't sustain the test of time. It is so easy in the current lifestyle to see the most simple way of not staying in touch - 'out of sight is out of mind'. It is quite saddening to see that 'we have moved on in our lives so much and there isn't a lot in common that one may have with that old friend. So caught up are we in the routine that it's too hard to remember that someone....it makes me remember what a relative of mine living in the US once told me, 'I always remember to call people in India, now that you live in the UK I forget it.' Probably shows how important I am to that person.

Circumstances takes the better of you. Not in the right place, at the right time, being drowned in work or just that phase of life when something else takes over our time and mind that there isn't a lot one can do about staying in touch and keeping the relationship.

Mis-understandings, perhaps the other beast to ruin the harmony. A relationship that's shared by two individuals can only be understood by those two people. Whether its that of a husband-wife, mother-daughter, two friends, two colleagues, teacher-student, uncle-niece, it's definitely not possible for a third person to know what the relationship holds. 

Sometimes, I can't help but show my worst side to the person I like the most. I'd do anything to know why I go through such mood swings or a low feeling (for the lack of a better word) that I bring it on on someone I shouldn't. This in particular does not help sustain a relationship....there is only so much the other individual can take.

Expectations are deadly. You expect a certain something when you meet that old friend after many years. That not going your way calls for alarm bells to say it ain't worth it. Pre conceived notions on what to say, what to hear can only lead to the feeling a bit more.

For someone who values relationships and would not want to lose people in my life...family, cousins, friends who I meet during the course of life the reality is far from it. 

Whether its due to circumstances or my own fault, I don't have all the people I'd love to have with me. I often think that I should forget it and let go and carry on, easier said than done. It's an emotional bonding...staying & holding onto it becomes as painful as letting go and forgetting about it.