Come Full Circle

I guess the long aimless walk is all I wanted to get me penning down a few lines which I have been itching to do in the past few days.  My eyes are still tired....for a fact, I have been staring at my laptop screen non-stop for a good part of the past week. 

I have to start this one with the quote I had read and favourited. Sometime ago, may be a year now,  was when I was feeling down. Nothing seemed to cheer me up, I could not have what I wanted and on most occasions I did not know what I needed. This feeling of 'low' stayed with me for a long long time. I had messed up way too many things, I was losing too many good friends - some for my own fault, some for the circumstances, some because they probably decided I was not good enough for them and some more for they got so busy and pre-occupied in their lives that they just forgot that someone like me existed. 

I had decided then that I am going to keep myself occupied with things...simple as it may be, silly as it may sound but I would have a list of things to do, things not to do and I would stick to that and get so drowned in it that I don't feel as low. 

I can't say I have been entirely successful at this- there are many many times when I miss my friends, miss the company, feel low, down and depressed but the feeling stays for a while and goes away and I go back to my list. The 'peaks' and 'troughs' exist in my life as much as the sun and the moon do, as much as summer and winter does. It's become a part of me. 

It's been a while now, at least a good year and I have had those 'ups' and 'downs' but now as this year closes down I am back at being slightly on the low but holding up just so I can wait for the peak to happen. 

As the year has gone passed there's one thing that I have noticed... I love to have company - be it in new people I meet, old friends, cousins, family, new friends -that is one of the key things I need in life to move on. But I have also realized that all this cannot be wished for as the other person needs to wish the same and as much as I yearn for that togetherness, I can't have it. 

I am learning to be 'ok' with my own company and there are times when I am so comfortable at it that it is worrying.... it's worrying me a lot. I don't want to be this way, but it's just turning out this way...

Just like how all this I have scribbled so far is not making sense, this thought of what I enjoy  - 'the being together' and what I am doing  - 'the being with myself' , the contradiction that it brings is making me go slightly insane.....but, I am positively waiting for the 'peak' again - this time it's been a while since it has met me. 

Random Notes - It's that time of the year

Alright, just so we like to write random things about what's happening and what's not with life in general. 

It's that time of the year.....when you leave work its so dark that you want to hit the bed straight away, wearing a few extra layers still makes you feel cold to the bone, you may have a few too many clothing items on you that one minute you are hot as a freshly baked potato while in the tube or can't feel your fingers the minute you are out on the streets,  a day starts and ends by looking into the weather report for the next 24hrs and you'd need another hot drink even after sipping through 6-7 cups of tea or coffee a day...Well, I'll take it that you're getting the swing of things. 

I am being my own moody self and there's no changes on that end. I am uber happy and super excited about the simplest of things on one day and have a completely grey, sulky, sad, cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat-day just the next time the moon went around the earth. 

It's that time of the year which makes me the most emotionally drained when compared to any other time of the year- looking back on things unaccomplished, undone, unchanged in the past year there is a disappointment of some sorts on one end while the other end seems to be alright with the little new pleasures, new thoughts that took shape this year. 

It's a time to look forward to much more than any other time for that new year, for the new challenges, times and projects that I can take over and get at in the next year to come. It's like another chance in life to do something that you always wanted to, to change that annoying habit of yours that stuck like a parasite to you and to try and correct those mistakes that you repeated ....yet again. 

The drive to learn is still bubbling from within,the constant go to a new place even if its just a new street in the same city, or click a new picture, learn a new tone,read a new note, make someone happy, a little gesture to change a little thing for someone - This "do something" is what I have heard my inner voice sing to me, shout at me to keep me on the go. 

The restlessness to keep at something, not getting what I really want is constantly trying to take over me so easily. I am prodding along..... the 'Kat Rahi hai Zinadagi'....feeling, is not keeping me as positive as I would like to be. But I am trying, trying to hold myself together, to stay happy, to think ahead and leave the rest to dear God thanking him for those days when I neither feel too happy nor too sad but count the little blessings and stay just content.

A few years of being Myself

This forms my post-birthday blog post :) Typically, people write something on these lines when they hit a 'certain' special birthday, mine was no such number but the thought came across and hence it goes in here. 

My life seems to be driven by lists most of the time and I wish to list a few realizations that I think have dawned on me in the past few years. 

As I see myself add another year around the solar calendar I think about how I have silently been getting on a bit. As much as I think I am really young, to be honest I don't even feel I've crossed being 24 from within, there are some signs that I have collectively noticed that I might be getting on a little bit here and a lil there. 

OK, let me not try and make it up like I have totally lost it, coz I haven't. Irrespective of what's happening in my life and what isn't , what I have and what I don't the utmost thing I am looking at is to be happy.  

Some things DON'T Change:

-I don't feel my age and this is not just happened now, it's mostly been this way. As much as I think its a great thing for me, for those around you I am expected to behave, be more mature, more responsible and act in a certain way. As much as I would want to see this change in me I have come up resign to the fact that this is how I am going to be. Childish, Stupid or call me whatever. 

- I take one day at a time. Pretty much. 

-Being funny does not come to me naturally. Love for this to change but sigh! 

-Being a good writer, consistent blogger also does not come to me. Plan to keep reading, learning and writing nevertheless. Have started following more blogs and WOWing about how well they are written. Well...lets call it that's my latest hunger now. 

-I love watching the neighbour's little kitten walk all around our courtyard, but that does not bring me any closer to having them with me...was not a pet friendly person, may never be one.

- I think I can still be (quite) nice to someone/anyone who has not been pleasant with me (or my parents). I may not think too much about that person but would not let them know. 

- I can never give up on food of any kind. If I ever visit Kashi, dear Lord Vishwanatha, accept my apologies in advance, I really cannot give up any food. 

- Waking up in the evening after a long afternoon sleep (can't call a long one 'Nap') makes me feel all heavy eyed and irritable. 

- Vicks can cure (almost) anything. 

- When someone asked me what my hobbies were I used to give the 'rehearsed answer' - reading books, listening to music and travelling. Never had I realised that these would really become such an important thing to me. 

Changes & Something to think about:

- I could give up sugar. 

- I don't think anything or bother about my height or weight or colour of my skin, if you think about it.... too bad for you. 

- I have at least one good friend and I am extremely happy about it. I actually need to do this friend more justice than a few words here. 

- I would like to think of me as a fairly strong person. I know I can (almost) comfort me with most issues I have.

- I have come to be my best friend and I enjoy my company as much as being around close family & friends. 

I am definitely showing 'some' age here:

- The minute I walked out of a noisy (yeah!) night club, the first thing that I uttered was 'Thank God! It's over!'

- I am upset even before hitting the bed that I would only get 6 hours sleep that night when I hit the bed late and have an early(ish) start the next day. 

- A day long wedding has got me all tired and I need 3 days to get over it. 

- Too heavy a meal for dinner keeps me bloated and feeling sick all night. 

- I don't want to have too much to drink. (you know... alchohol) 

Keep the child-likeness in you alive or don't let the enthusiasm die: 

- I have always looked up at the sky to see the stars, something about it remains a fantasy 

- To always greet a person with a hi so bright that it lights up the other's day. Doesn't matter how long it has been that you have seen them, how close they are to you....it's the greeting that matters.

- When I see something new, a place, a thing,a sight I became a lil kid in one instance - look at it, ' alli nodu' is what I utter pointing at that whatever irrespective of where I am. 

Don't know what's in store for me for the year(s) to come, I wanted to record a few things that cross my mind most often and that's what you see up here. Some of you might also think.....what a whole lot of crap... but well....as the intelligent man once said.... 

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” 

― Albert Einstein

There is an END.

Firstly, for a few of you who thought this is the end of my blogging ability, you are wrong. This is not going to be my concluding post unless God would want it otherwise.

Life of Pi, by Yann Martel was a book I must say that was way too fictitious for my liking. The whole idea of a boy on a boat with a tiger and ending up on a island full of meercats was a little too out of scale for my imagination.  There however were many quotes in the book forming life lessons which kept me going. I knew there had to be a conclusion to it more human than fiction.
Well, this post is not about my review of the book or the movie which I think was beautifully shot. I find myself pretty insignificant in a writer's world to be able to put up reviews of another's work.

The sensitive me that I am at times got caught onto one such line - " I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye".

As I tread through the path that life brings upon me I reflect what I have left behind more often than where I am headed towards. Knowing very well that what's gone is gone, what's done is done and there should 'ideally' be no looking back. This makes me think that I perhaps don't have the 'letting go' factor in me unlike a few others who can do it with great ease.

Always part ways with a smile - something that you have always heard the elders say. Do they allow you to leave home with a tear? No. They want to see you smiling, they'd want to see you happy. That parting note when leaving home with hugs and smiles and laughter is what makes you look forward to the next time that you see and greet each other again. There is a happy note which says that you will get together again.

On the other hand, when you part with a person on an argument, on a unpleasant note something is left undone. It bothers you day in and day out. The end that should not have been did not happen in the right way. There is always this uneasiness that you did not depart by saying a bye, for wishing well, for taking the memories along.....to the person, to that relationship that meant so much to you...you did not Complete it.

Some things are not always in our hands, death can bring that parting...when you are not prepared, when you were not expecting it, it leaves a void that cannot be erased. I hate myself a little more every time I think about my grand dad who passed away. I moved out of home to a far away land to start my home, never did I think even once on that early morning when I was stepping into the car to drive away to the airport that I would not see him again, talk to him again. It took a phone call of 50bucks on a cold morning to hear that he is no more. I still don't know how to handle my emotions when I think about this.

At the end of the day, at every instant, with everyone around you, I always think that I haven't grown out of it, I have not moved away from the thought, but when you actually see it in the end the whole life indeed is an act of letting go....we all let go and when we think about that someone, that something it is nothing but a memory.
When the mother gives birth to her baby, she's letting go of the physical connection she had, when we leave our parents and go away to study, to work, we are letting go the pat of being bound to, our parents on the other hand are letting go of the fear, when two people get married and decide to spend the rest of their lives together they are letting go of all other priorities that they had in life, when death do us apart from a loved one, we let go... we carry on with our lives and stop to spare a thought.

I do think that I get stuck onto things, events, people a lot more than another person.....I would like to go back and shake a hand, say a hello, give a hug and re-start where I have left......but, along the path of life and towards the end of a path.........
We only think that we haven't let go.... but we all have...and will continue to do so.

Emotionally Bound

Relationships are so fragile. In this day when more often than not families are getting smaller, friends are getting farther and staying in touch is mainly on a social networking site, my heart still yearns for that contact, for the togetherness which is becoming such a rarity.

Many relationships don't stay, don't sustain the test of time. It is so easy in the current lifestyle to see the most simple way of not staying in touch - 'out of sight is out of mind'. It is quite saddening to see that 'we have moved on in our lives so much and there isn't a lot in common that one may have with that old friend. So caught up are we in the routine that it's too hard to remember that someone....it makes me remember what a relative of mine living in the US once told me, 'I always remember to call people in India, now that you live in the UK I forget it.' Probably shows how important I am to that person.

Circumstances takes the better of you. Not in the right place, at the right time, being drowned in work or just that phase of life when something else takes over our time and mind that there isn't a lot one can do about staying in touch and keeping the relationship.

Mis-understandings, perhaps the other beast to ruin the harmony. A relationship that's shared by two individuals can only be understood by those two people. Whether its that of a husband-wife, mother-daughter, two friends, two colleagues, teacher-student, uncle-niece, it's definitely not possible for a third person to know what the relationship holds. 

Sometimes, I can't help but show my worst side to the person I like the most. I'd do anything to know why I go through such mood swings or a low feeling (for the lack of a better word) that I bring it on on someone I shouldn't. This in particular does not help sustain a relationship....there is only so much the other individual can take.

Expectations are deadly. You expect a certain something when you meet that old friend after many years. That not going your way calls for alarm bells to say it ain't worth it. Pre conceived notions on what to say, what to hear can only lead to the feeling a bit more.

For someone who values relationships and would not want to lose people in my life...family, cousins, friends who I meet during the course of life the reality is far from it. 

Whether its due to circumstances or my own fault, I don't have all the people I'd love to have with me. I often think that I should forget it and let go and carry on, easier said than done. It's an emotional bonding...staying & holding onto it becomes as painful as letting go and forgetting about it.