Monday, December 30, 2013

Come Full Circle

I guess the long aimless walk is all I wanted to get me penning down a few lines which I have been itching to do in the past few days.  My eyes are still tired....for a fact, I have been staring at my laptop screen non-stop for a good part of the past week. 

I have to start this one with the quote I had read and favourited. Sometime ago, may be a year now,  was when I was feeling down. Nothing seemed to cheer me up, I could not have what I wanted and on most occasions I did not know what I needed. This feeling of 'low' stayed with me for a long long time. I had messed up way too many things, I was losing too many good friends - some for my own fault, some for the circumstances, some because they probably decided I was not good enough for them and some more for they got so busy and pre-occupied in their lives that they just forgot that someone like me existed. 

I had decided then that I am going to keep myself occupied with things...simple as it may be, silly as it may sound but I would have a list of things to do, things not to do and I would stick to that and get so drowned in it that I don't feel as low. 
I can't say I have been entirely successful at this- there are many many times when I miss my friends, miss the company, feel low, down and depressed but the feeling stays for a while and goes away and I go back to my list. The 'peaks' and 'troughs' exist in my life as much as the sun and the moon do, as much as summer and winter does. It's become a part of me. 

It's been a while now, at least a good year and I have had those 'ups' and 'downs' but now as this year closes down I am back at being slightly on the low but holding up just so I can wait for the peak to happen. 

As the year has gone passed there's one thing that I have noticed... I love to have company - be it in new people I meet, old friends, cousins, family, new friends -that is one of the key things I need in life to move on. But I have also realized that all this cannot be wished for as the other person needs to wish the same and as much as I yearn for that togetherness, I can't have it. 

I am learning to be 'ok' with my own company and there are times when I am so comfortable at it that it is worrying.... it's worrying me a lot. I don't want to be this way, but it's just turning out this way...

Just like how all this I have scribbled so far is not making sense, this thought of what I enjoy  - 'the being together' and what I am doing  - 'the being with myself' , the contradiction that it brings is making me go slightly insane.....but, I am positively waiting for the 'peak' again - this time it's been a while since it has met me. 

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