There is an END.

Firstly, for a few of you who thought this is the end of my blogging ability, you are wrong. This is not going to be my concluding post unless God would want it otherwise.

Life of Pi, by Yann Martel was a book I must say that was way too fictitious for my liking. The whole idea of a boy on a boat with a tiger and ending up on a island full of meercats was a little too out of scale for my imagination.  There however were many quotes in the book forming life lessons which kept me going. I knew there had to be a conclusion to it more human than fiction.
Well, this post is not about my review of the book or the movie which I think was beautifully shot. I find myself pretty insignificant in a writer's world to be able to put up reviews of another's work.

The sensitive me that I am at times got caught onto one such line - " I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye".

As I tread through the path that life brings upon me I reflect what I have left behind more often than where I am headed towards. Knowing very well that what's gone is gone, what's done is done and there should 'ideally' be no looking back. This makes me think that I perhaps don't have the 'letting go' factor in me unlike a few others who can do it with great ease.

Always part ways with a smile - something that you have always heard the elders say. Do they allow you to leave home with a tear? No. They want to see you smiling, they'd want to see you happy. That parting note when leaving home with hugs and smiles and laughter is what makes you look forward to the next time that you see and greet each other again. There is a happy note which says that you will get together again.

On the other hand, when you part with a person on an argument, on a unpleasant note something is left undone. It bothers you day in and day out. The end that should not have been did not happen in the right way. There is always this uneasiness that you did not depart by saying a bye, for wishing well, for taking the memories along.....to the person, to that relationship that meant so much to you...you did not Complete it.

Some things are not always in our hands, death can bring that parting...when you are not prepared, when you were not expecting it, it leaves a void that cannot be erased. I hate myself a little more every time I think about my grand dad who passed away. I moved out of home to a far away land to start my home, never did I think even once on that early morning when I was stepping into the car to drive away to the airport that I would not see him again, talk to him again. It took a phone call of 50bucks on a cold morning to hear that he is no more. I still don't know how to handle my emotions when I think about this.

At the end of the day, at every instant, with everyone around you, I always think that I haven't grown out of it, I have not moved away from the thought, but when you actually see it in the end the whole life indeed is an act of letting go....we all let go and when we think about that someone, that something it is nothing but a memory.
When the mother gives birth to her baby, she's letting go of the physical connection she had, when we leave our parents and go away to study, to work, we are letting go the pat of being bound to, our parents on the other hand are letting go of the fear, when two people get married and decide to spend the rest of their lives together they are letting go of all other priorities that they had in life, when death do us apart from a loved one, we let go... we carry on with our lives and stop to spare a thought.

I do think that I get stuck onto things, events, people a lot more than another person.....I would like to go back and shake a hand, say a hello, give a hug and re-start where I have left......but, along the path of life and towards the end of a path.........
We only think that we haven't let go.... but we all have...and will continue to do so.

Love of Faith

Two different thoughts having a connection somewhere and intertwined in certain ways are enveloping my mind. One is 'God', the Almighty - the supernatural power as HE's known. The other is  Religion, a belief that one can have in a culture, in rituals & customs, and probably a 'being'. I understand that it's a pretty sensitive topic to write about and publish. 

This can be frowned upon, might not be 'politically right' , may also come across as being naive and may sound really 'cheap' to talk about religions and customs and culture and following a faith.

This is not something about what's right and what's wrong, I bet pens more mightier than mine can talk about all this. 

This blog is here to put together my thoughts about the subject and not to make a point. 

I have been brought up at a home where culture, faith and religion was given a lot of importance. Though we are, as we term 'modern' in our outlook, there are a lot of things driven by the Faith we follow. For example, A celebration of a festival is never missed. If someone invites us to a religious gathering, it is never skipped. We were taught never to say no to a prasad from the Lord. We planned going to temples far and near as much as a Holiday and looked forward to it as much as any other huge vacation that was planned. Being brought up in a Hindu family,all my views, my ideas, the culture that I have known is mainly around Hinduism.

I studied at a Christian School and that exposed me to a bit of Christianity.  I didnt actively do much to learn about it, may be it was the age. Whether I made any attempt in understanding anything or not, I was happily reciting 'Our Father in Heaven...' at least 8 times a day at the start and end of a class. A friend of mine and me used to go to the Church in our school once every week as we were told that it was a good thing to do and also used to take a small leaf from the shrub outside the church as it was considered holy. (Looking back at it today, it was plain simple ragging that we went through from our seniors) 

Growing up in a country like India where there is such diversity of faith and being in a system where everyone knows, if not in entirety a bit about each others ways of life only enhanced the thoughts that ran through my mind about the subject.  

I got married and started living in the western world. The thoughts about religion and caste is never brought in front very often. No one talks about it. Period. It has to be a specific sort of a discussion to be discussing, exchanging ideas about culture and customs. Festivals hardly have a very religious side to it, or even if it does, for the sake of convenience no one follows it. 

Some people I have come across here told me that they wished they had some faith to follow, some belief in faith. Though they have their religions, they have never been keen on taking it seriously or have wanted to know more and do something that brings them close to it.  

Some others are on the other end where they are happy to embrace a completely different religion as the principles of that religion is close to what they think is right, personally. They either adopted it as a parallel religion to their own or take it up completely as their own.

Both these views were quite new to me. The majority of the people I came across back home were those who were brought up in one religion and have either believed in it and Lived their life following it, If not, atleast they have stayed in the same faith without considering any other. There is no real 'Personal' view or opinion that is considered. Some sheep mentality here. 

The third aspect is that of 'no belief in God'. I can barely remember anyone I knew saying that aloud back home even if they didn't really believe in it. Of course, needless to say,here in the western world it is perfectly a normal thought not to believe. After all, it's left to the individual to decide what they do and don't, what they like and dislike, what they believe and not believe in life. Perhaps shows how narrow my circle is. 

London exposed me to ethnicity in a whole new angle. Again, when I say London I perhaps can include the Western World or a place away from Home. India perhaps has many ethnicities however it is broken down as sub-castes which leaves a completely different.... odd idea to it. 

In my small office circle we have people from different places and ethnicities that it was interesting to see their perspective towards one another. First of all this is not a subject that is spoken about. No one is really keen to get into this topic as it can get delicate. However, each of them are aware of little happenings in the others community and there was a quick note of wishes or a quick chat about what they do on a specific day or an auspicious occasion. 

It's a huge change I see in me. I feel totally happy  to visit a Church and light a candle, offer my prayer. I am happy to be a part of the Sai Baba Community - which I had never been to in Bangalore - except for my special trip to Shirdi. I like strolling into the Radha-Krishna temple from Iskon and look into the Hare Krishna clan or take a peep into a Synagogue or a Mosque.

It's not about belief or not, It's not about following something- however, it's about a sense of being at Peace and I can easily say that this Love of Faith that I have developed here has brought Peace to me, I feel close to my roots  and I am Happy that I feel connected to Humanity which is above all religions at the same time enjoy the variety that is brought together. 

The Perfect Road Trip

I have to admit that the contest ' The Perfect Road Trip' on Indiblogger got me writing this. 

This trip brings back fond memories of those carefree days. A trip that 5 friends took without much planning, without knowing where to go. It also makes me feel bad about where each of us are today. 

We friends often met up at a little chaat shop on random weekends. In between the conversations we ended up making plans of various travels we all wanted to do together. These were lists made on tissue paper over numerous cups of coffee. Though most of those made it's way to the dustbin, one lived on. All that the list had was a date written on it  with 'Mysore Road' and a promise made to each other to stick to it no matter what.

Days rolled by and we got busy with our routines until that week. We were determined to keep up to our promises and left everything to go on our weekend away. It was my friend's husband's Alto that we took rolling on the Mysore Road - the new highway that was laid down to connect the two cities. 

The road trip started with a quick pit-stop at Bidadi for the famous 'Thatte idly'. We sat down and made a rough plan for the trip. We decided to head towards 'GopalaSwamy Betta', the hill that rises high, overlooking Bandipur. The overnight stay would be in Mysore, for Day 2 we planned to head towards KRS and then make our way back to Bangalore. 

Further down the road after a quick stop for 'Maddur Vada' we took a detour. One of us remembered hearing about a huge lake in a village some 20kms off the main highway. I still don't remember the name of the village or the lake.  It was nothing like what we had seen before. We drove up a little hillock to a huge bund, climbing a dozen steps up the bund was this lake with its pristine waters. At one end of it were many fishermen doing their work for the day. A couple of my friends who had no control on their taste buds went by to a little fisherman's hut to taste the catch telling us vegetarians what we are missing out - oh! you know that story.

Moving on we headed straight towards GopalaSwamy Betta with a quick stop for lunch mid-way. The Hill was much bigger than we expected, had a small temple with a few temple shops.... one of the most unadulterated places I have ever seen. We then went for a walk on the summit, breathtaking views of the Bandipur National Park, we were excited to watch the herd of elephants, lots of deer and a brilliant sunset. 

It was getting dark and we decided to head back to Mysore and find a place to stay. Without fussing about much we stayed at Dasaprakash. The night's dinner was at the Parklane Restaurant & Beer Bar which has a very unique decor...that of a garden or a forest with loads of plants and creepers around the tables. The most unique part was the way you call a waiter - there was a switch hanging in the centre of the table to light a lamp at the top of the table informing the waiter. Pretty much like how you call the air stewardess on a aircraft. 

We made our way back to the hotel seeing the well lit Mysore Palace. We called it a night by playing a few card games. 

The next started early, after a tasty serving of good old South Indian breakfast we headed towards KRS. None of us wanted to do the usual dam visit and the Brindavan gardens with its truck loads of tourists. Instead we took another detour and made our way to Blue Lagoon - where the reservoir is. We stopped by a tiny village where there was a Saturday market (Shanivara Santhe). While a couple of us bought some veggies, fruit and other random stuff, the guys stopped by the local booze shop.

We had to cross a farm land manned by this old grandpa who royally collected 50bucks per person to get past his land to reach the blue lagoon ( we were not too sure if this is what it was called).

Basically, this was the land that had surfaced up when the water was not too high. There was water all around as far as the eye can see and the view of the dam - the entire length of it which was a sight to remember. 

We played in the water, cooked food from the stuff we picked at the local market, had beer which was cooled on the river bed.

It was the most simple road trip we ever had. We had no idea where we were heading to and what we would see. We ended up going to places we had never heard before, eating at places we had never visited before and overall had the most refreshing breaks to beat the mundane routine. 

Emotionally Bound

Relationships are so fragile. In this day when more often than not families are getting smaller, friends are getting farther and staying in touch is mainly on a social networking site, my heart still yearns for that contact, for the togetherness which is becoming such a rarity.

Many relationships don't stay, don't sustain the test of time. It is so easy in the current lifestyle to see the most simple way of not staying in touch - 'out of sight is out of mind'. It is quite saddening to see that 'we have moved on in our lives so much and there isn't a lot in common that one may have with that old friend. So caught up are we in the routine that it's too hard to remember that someone....it makes me remember what a relative of mine living in the US once told me, 'I always remember to call people in India, now that you live in the UK I forget it.' Probably shows how important I am to that person.

Circumstances takes the better of you. Not in the right place, at the right time, being drowned in work or just that phase of life when something else takes over our time and mind that there isn't a lot one can do about staying in touch and keeping the relationship.

Mis-understandings, perhaps the other beast to ruin the harmony. A relationship that's shared by two individuals can only be understood by those two people. Whether its that of a husband-wife, mother-daughter, two friends, two colleagues, teacher-student, uncle-niece, it's definitely not possible for a third person to know what the relationship holds. 

Sometimes, I can't help but show my worst side to the person I like the most. I'd do anything to know why I go through such mood swings or a low feeling (for the lack of a better word) that I bring it on on someone I shouldn't. This in particular does not help sustain a relationship....there is only so much the other individual can take.

Expectations are deadly. You expect a certain something when you meet that old friend after many years. That not going your way calls for alarm bells to say it ain't worth it. Pre conceived notions on what to say, what to hear can only lead to the feeling a bit more.

For someone who values relationships and would not want to lose people in my life...family, cousins, friends who I meet during the course of life the reality is far from it. 

Whether its due to circumstances or my own fault, I don't have all the people I'd love to have with me. I often think that I should forget it and let go and carry on, easier said than done. It's an emotional bonding...staying & holding onto it becomes as painful as letting go and forgetting about it.

Daddy Dearest

Dad and Mom, Appa and Amma are two people I have always wanted to write about but have never managed to. Today I try to pen a few thoughts about my dad, my dear appa, about what I think about him, what he means to me and show my affection for him. I often find it hard to express this to him, many a times I have sat in the same room as he is in thinking I should say it all but kept silent talking about every other thing. This is going to be a very feeble attempt to convey my thoughts, feelings in words. I wanted to make use of the day, Fathers day to remember him a little more than I always do. ( I do have had my issues with named days, will talk about that another day)

I resemble my dad and many people say so. Most people also say that the similarities end there and my personality goes completely by my mom. I silently agreed to it.

In the past few years that I have lived away from my parents and I have started thinking a lot more about them I reflect on how many things are common between dad and me, how similar I am to him. Now, this is not going to be about me, but about him, about those things in him that I would probably never tell him or anyone personally, like in a conversation.

Dad is one of the most caring people I have seen (apart from my grandfather). This trait in him does not come across to many as he remains aloof seeming a bit cut off or uninterested about anything happening. However, in time of need, when someone needs to stand, he is there. When the work is done and when all is well he silently disappears from the scene without leaving a trace that he was there.

He values his family more than many other things. I mean the extended family too. He never had any siblings but being brought up with cousins under one roof makes him think about them as one. He misses them, he misses the good old times he had with them through their childhood and cherishes the memories. Things have moved on and people have moved on, dad too has carried on with his, but somehow when he meets this bunch, he wants time to stand still and stay young again. This is how I feel when he talks about them, refers to them and does get a little disheartned about what relationships have come to when he meets them.

Dad's been heading a factory unit for years now. Though it's real hard work which strains him mentally and physically day after day, I think he is perfectly cut out for it. He is completely in his element when at work and I am sure it's one of the best jobs he could have had for his personality. A bank job, an office desk job would have bored him to death.

Dad finds it extremely hard to ask something of someone. He finds it really hard to take something, demand for something that is actually his own.... A lending hand that he is. Many mistake this as being really well off. Others take it for granted, some others also conclude that he should do it...after all let him pay, let him give.... Dad would never tell anyone about his hard times whether things are good, ok or bad....no one would ever know.

He has a few friends from college and childhood and not many more. He is in touch with most of them if not all...a typical man thing - wont try hard to stay in touch, when they do, it's great times.

In-spite of all, I somehow think that he is lonely in some way.

He loves me a lot, he misses me a lot and even though we speak for just a couple of mins when I call, I can sense the pride and joy he's had that his daughter had called him. I wish I never let him down in any way and would like to see him happy no matter what. I also hope he learns how to relax and take it easy....he's stubborn to even listen to it.

Most people think about their parents this way. I am no differrent. I love them, respect them and owe whatever I am today to them.

If there is someone who has stood by me and believed in my dreams and have fulfilled my little wishes ....it is Appa & Amma. My mom at least says a few words, expresses it...but dad....is silently there, watching me as I walk, as I grow and as I move on with my life.

Bangalore Diaries

My mind is still fresh with the memories of my visit to home and home town. I sense a rush in me to complete this write up, I also sense the restlessness that I will not do justice in translating my thoughts to this blog. 

There is something about Bangalore (for me its specifically South Bangalore) that is hard to explain especially to someone who doesn't belong to it. They just don't get what the gaga is all about. 

Let's face it. It's not the best city on earth. It definitely does not score any points on the infrastructure aspect of it. It has too many people. It's become very expensive. The traffic is a mess and the weather isn't great anymore. In spite of all this there is a certain old world charm that stays hand in hand with the progress of modern day. 

I noticed myself noticing certain things that make a difference to me. Some of them are so simple, so silly that I was surprised that I was even bothering about it. This is what makes it home for me and makes the place unique. There are many memories etched in many different places  that makes me go back to it. 

Most of the main streets in Bangalore have huge trees on either sides of the road, the names of which I know not . It forms a beautiful canopy to the main, typically traffic clogged road. The tree lined streets for the residential areas blooming with May flowers form a pretty sight. Most houses have a coconut tree or two, the sky scape is filled with high flying coconut trees. In season, Mango trees everywhere are completely clad with fruit. 

As you step out in the hot summer sun, the majjige from Nandini diary cools you. Just as you think that the days are too hot and unbearable, the evening brings with it summer showers and makes the air pleasant like there was no heat.  The morning after the rains are the best, the air is fresh, all the trees having had their wash, the green looks greener.

Though, a big city, residential areas do have a community feel to it with most of the residents having lived there for 30+ years.

That street side vegetable vendor who saw me after ages enquired how Pune was, remembering that I worked there when I first had a job, something which is fading away from my own memory.  Makes me remember the other vegetable vendor who came to the same street every day at 4:30pm for 32years. If that seems long, the gentleman who brings butter and door delivers it every 3rd Sunday so my grandma can make ghee has been visiting us for 45years. 

I will have to write about Prakash who runs a little 'Masala Puri Gaadi', we overheard someone calling him this, years later we found out that his actual name was shivanna. Eating paani puris from him are so entertaining. He incorporates cricketing terms while he's serving the gol guppas one after the other. He usually serves it for 3-4 people at a time on a round robin basis and treats them as a team of players, actually batsmen. He throws in an extra piece in between and calls it a no ball. If while placing the puri on the plate, it breaks , he calls it a dead ball. If the puri is a huge one, he terms that a googly. Just after one plate is done, he asks if we are ready for another over and if we are done he declares us Out and calls out to the next team to play the new over. I cannot think of this happening anywhere else. 

It was the time of the year when then SSLC and PUC results were out. The newspaper was full of it. The talk from the maid, to the milkman was about someone who scored well, oasis with flying colours and their ambitions. It's that phase every child in India who's fortunate enough to get education goes through. So much is decided about your life at these two points.

There is a balance in life that most people do. I saw myself going for a walk in lalbagh, attending a wedding, visiting the temple for a puja, watching a movie, catching up with a friend at a coffee shop and going out to the pub all on the same day. The variety of activities that's thrown at you is so random.

I could perhaps go on and on about many things and each line will be out of sync with the others. What I feel about being in Bangalore and what I do there cannot happen anywhere else in the world and no matter how much I try, I can't express well enough in words. 

A Place called 4th Block Jayanagar

I recollect 4th block Jayanagar that was a huge part of my childhood to what it is today. It is very hard to explain what's so good about the place or why I think of it as a place close to my heart. Someone who's not from here will not get it. For me, it's not about exaggerating in flowery language what it is, when it comes to home and home bound memories, one tends to speak about it this way....

It was the closest shopping centre near home, school and the initial years of my college. We went there not just to shop for essentials, it was a place we decided to go for a walk, just coz it was evening and we decided to step out, just coz we had no other place to go, it was the most convenient option. 

4th block Jayanagar shows a little modern side to it when compared to the other markets nearby like Gandhi Bazaar or NR Colony. For some things Gandhi Bazaar is the best, but 4th block has its own unique answer to what can it offer.  I am going to 'Complex' and everyone could guess what the agenda would be like.It's more spread out and hence you need to plan your route.  Though you can find pretty much everything, my route around 4th block is accentuated by the many food and drink pit stops. 

As kids we had spent many afternoons and evenings playing at the little fountain area in the centre of the complex. The evening outing ended in getting an ice cream and pop corn. Our parents enjoying some delicious chaat.

As a little girl in school, I have frequented many visits to Collette's beauty parlour. The authentic chinese way of doing hair. Sitting in the waiting area flipping magazines with glossy pictures, I waited for my mom to get her eyebrows done or have a quick trim. 

Our special dinner evening was spent in the plain comfort of the Canton restaurant serving Chinese food, perhaps the place that got me liking the cuisine. We also frequented innumerable chaat shops, most of which have been replaced by other similar businesses or shut without a trace. 

The Nagasri book house is a must visit for me. The little conversation with the owner of the shop makes a world of difference to any other book shop. 

Sugarcane juice shop used to be one of the highlights, now replaced by Cane-o-la serving it in a smart way. 

A stop at the Shenoy stores for junk food, it's hard to leave this store without picking atleast one extra item which was not on your original list.

The dosa camp has died down now but stays in memory about the various varieties of dosa and the speed of service.  About two decades ago there used to be  a little chaat shop called Bharath Cafe, which happened to be one of my parents' favourite places,  his ragada patrice was the best.

Hot chips was the hot favourite when we were in college. Depending othe budget for the day we picked spring rolls or pav bhaji. The vegetable sandwich and tomato soup at cool joint was ultimate for a quick snack with friends.....of course we had to share it as we couldn't afford the whole sandwich. Having Mango milkshake at Ganesh juice centre never went amiss on a hot summer day.

The opening of Cafe Coffee Day gave us another reason to visit. How cool was it to have our own fancy coffee shop as an adda. We used to spend hours catching up with friends, friends of friends and have conversations about nothing in particular.

Kalmane Koffee with a coffee shop in conjunction to the Sankara Book shop added a whole new dimension to the coffee shop concept. His filter coffee was superb.

My notes on 4th block will not be complete without the mention of a few bakeries. JB bakery was by far the most popular for his freshly baked palya buns and vegetable puff. Janardhana Bakery remains my favourite mainly for his benne biscuit and nippattu. Vijaya bakery it heart of the complex, mainly frequented for the Japanese cake. 

There were atleast another dozen places which leaves a note down the memory lane.....Watching a random movie in Nanda theatre. Some authentic Iyengar food at Kadambam. Shopping for chic clothing at 'Show Off' and 'Come fall in love'. Getting fresh coffee powder at Aromatic. One stop shop for getting dressed up at the Bhavani Bangle store. Band Box dry cleaners to get a fresh look for the special clothing. The boring stop by at Balaji Medicals. First sights of the western wear and way at Adidas, Woodland, Wildcraft. A stroll around Aane Bande Road. For sundaes and treats at Icy Nicy. For engineering books at Book Paradise. Black forest Pastries at Sweet Chariot. The various butti Paani puri guys. The excitement of getting our photos developed at Vijaya Studio.

This was my old world at 4th block Complex. Today, with it's traffic, people, chaos the experience isn't the same, but the charm has not died. I am happy going there and most importantly it still feels like home.